He doesn’t always talk when I want Him to. Sometimes when He talks I get frustrated because it’s not the response I expected. He doesn’t always do things for me when, where, or how I want Him to, but still He always comes through for me. I love God. I trust Him, I have faith in Him, & I believe Him for what He says. And He said this is temporary - this pain and all that I’m going through. He says everything will be ok if I just hold on and have faith. So I’m holding on. I have no problem waiting cause I love Him. And I love Him not for what He has done, is doing, or will do but I love Him just because of who He is. And I just want God and everyone else to know I’m holding on… because I love Him.

Everyone is asking where I am and what I’m up to. Everyone wants to know if I’m okay. I haven’t been keeping up with the blog or tweeting on Twitter and I rarely update my Facebook status lately. I appreciate everyone’s concern and your prayers. On a rough day when I get notification that someone was thinking of little ole me or praying that I’m okay, it makes a great difference. Yes, I am okay but I’m dealing with some things right now and I’m going to be be more honest than I’ve ever been about what’s going on.

I’m moving back home with my mom. My finances just aren’t what they should be, especially since my IRS layoff. I’m currently behind on most of my bills, I’m out of work again, and I just feel like I need to start over. As an adult who has been on my own since I graduated high school, it was very hard to accept that I’d be living at home with my mom again at twenty-five with no job and nothing much to contribute. I’m extremely grateful that I have a mother willing to open her door to me at a time like now, still it’s a bittersweet feeling. I love being around my siblings more. I love that I can eat my mom’s cooking regularly. I love that they’ve all been very enthusiastic about me moving in. All that is good but I hate that I’ve lost my privacy and I feel like I’m invading their privacy. I hate not really being able to contribute to the household financially. I hate feeling like I’m taking away from them with nothing but a thank you to return. These are just my feelings, y’all. They’ve been amazing, but it hasn’t changed how I feel. It’s definitely a humbling experience.

With work I’m not sure what I last shared with you, but I know I wrote about getting a new job a few months ago. Then I had that dreadful breakdown and was out on short-term disablity. When I talked to my manager about it, her tone made me unsure about returning so I left for another job. That job was only temporary and so was the last job I got after that. I keep getting interviews and I get great feedback, but someone “more qualified” is chosen. At my last interview I was informed that I was “too nice” to be able to handle the job. She loved my resume and personality, but faulted me for being polite and smiling.

My health is good as far as I know, but I’m off meds again. I don’t have the money. I also don’t have a valid license right now and I don’t have a car and Jacksonville’s public transportation sucks. However, I did take a bus trip out to the clinic for assistance and they gave me a piece of paper to have completed by whoever I’m living with to prove someone else is supporting me after I walked a mile in the heat to the nearest bus stop then waited another 10-15 minutes for the bus to arrive and then rode the bus for about 30 minutes. All of that to be seen for about 5 minutes. I was advised to come back with the form completed as soon as possible. They wouldn’t let me make an appointment. He said they’re booked, but if I show up as a walk-in as soon as they open then I might be seen by someone if I can hold out for 3-4 hours. I’m sorry guys, but that’s some bullshit. No one told me I needed any letter or form when I scheduled that appointment and I asked what I needed to bring. I hate dealing with those damn clinics. They act as if they don’t really care. So it’s been a few months.

Finally, in my love life all is well. He has been a great support for me. I was extremely emotional a few weeks back and he was very patient through all my crying and rants, which there were a lot of. He calls and checks on me throughout the day when he’s working and we get together whenever we can to spend time together. We’re very much in love and I am very happy in that part of my life. I love you more than you know.

So now you know where I’ve been, how I’m doing and what I’ve been up to. Now keep in mind that though this can all seem overwhelming at times, I am trusting God to see me through and I know that He will so ultimately I am okay and I know God is going to work all of this out. Not knowing how is hard, but I have faith. I wrote this for any and all of you who’ve been thinking about or praying for me. Thank you all and I love you all. Pity is neither desired nor required. Don’t feel sorry for me. If you do feel bad, take it to Lord and pray for me. Don’t be sending me any “I’m so sorry” messages. I do not want them. Again, I say I am okay. God’s got me.

And a special thank you to Ms. Rae Lewis-Thornton, my inspiration for this blog and being so transparent and blunt. I love you, Auntie Diva Rae!

I pray that you are always safe and have everything you need

I pray you know that you are loved and what you mean to me

You are inspiration, motivation, & new reason to breathe

For you I always want to do right

For you I’d make any sacrifice

I didn’t make or create you but I was blessed with you so you’re mine

And I can’t help but smile every time I look in your eyes

I hate to see you cry

It breaks my heart a little every time

So I’ll do whatever I can to make you smile

I’ll teach you life lessons and treat you as if you are my own child

I’ll be here for you as long as God allows

When you walk I’ll pick you up if you should fall down

I’ll do my best to set an example as a good man

For you I’ll do whatever I can

You’re so beautiful, so precious, and so sweet

I pray you never change, my little Jayziah Marie

I’m blessed to be your god father and have you as my god daughter

I love you.

Thank you, Charita!

Today my baby brother turns 18 and I am dedicating this post to him. I love my brother very dearly. My brother is an inspiration to me. We have always been very different, but we still have our own special bond. He’s definitely one of the biggest blessings in my life.

Growing up I always feared I would disappoint my brother. I always knew I was different. I was gay. I tried distancing myself from my brother at times when we were children because I was afraid of influencing him and I’d never want him to go through the things I went through growing up, but he was always his own person and very much a boy in every way. He was always into video games, sports, and rough housing. All I saw that we had in common then was a bloodline and it hurt thinking that when he was old enough to understand he probably wouldn’t want anything to do with me.

Despite my awkward relationship with my brother as children, we definitely loved each other. Most of our bonding then was over video games where I got my ass kicked most of the time. One day the ass kicking turned from the video game to my neighborhood block. My brother came to me upset because some older kid hit him. My brother was always a tough guy so to see him upset like that struck a nerve. I ended up beating the other kid’s ass with the stick he came at me with. This was not the only physical altercation I got into over my brother. I’m not promoting violence, but at that time those moments made me feel like a big brother he could look up to because he knew I’d protect him if nothing else.

A less violent and more special moment I shared with my brother was when I came out to him. I remember thinking that after I told him he would hate me. I was so scared. I was 18 then, maybe 19 so he was around 10. His reply was so mature and to this day I get overwhelmed when I remember him telling me that being gay didn’t change who I am or that I’m still his brother and he loves me. I felt like no one else’s opinion mattered after that because my brother still loved me and accepted me.

After a few more years puberty comes and my brother outgrows me. I hated it because I felt like he’d no longer need me to protect him. What would he need me for anymore? The answer came one day while hanging out with him. He told me he’d lost his virginity. I had to keep my composure for multiple reasons. One reason was that I told myself I would tell my younger siblings about my status when I knew they were sexually active, but I was not really prepared for the talk that day. Still, I told him that I am HIV positive and we discussed consequences of unprotected sex. This is another moment I was afraid I’d let my brother down by setting a bad example and yet again he showed me that he still loved me. He was the easiest conversation I had about being HIV positive.

Now my brother is an official young MAN. I’m proud of him. He’s a good guy, intelligent, funny, handsome, and an athletic star. Through many tough times when I want to give up my brother has been one of my inspirations to keep fighting and keep living. I pray he doesn’t go through the struggles I have had being an adult and growing to be the man I am today. I pray he is always safe. I pray he is happy. I pray he is successful. I pray he is prosperous. I pray he knows that I will always love him and always be there for him.

Happy 18th birthday, little bro. I love you.

Today is the anniversary of my grandfather’s death. He passed away on December 15, 2005. When I originally found out and every year since I’ve cried when I thought about it. I’ve cried for his loss in general. I’ve cried for my loss, no longer having my grandfather here. I cried because of all I could’ve said that I didn’t. I cried for what I’ve done since his passing, wondering if he’s proud or if I’ve disappointed him. But this year there are no tears.

I am definitely still saddened about my grandfather no longer being here, but as I stated last year, one thing I was always admired about my grandfather was his smile. I never saw my grandfather down. He was always smiling, joking, and laughing through everything. I’ve always wanted to be like him and learn to smile and be happy in any circumstance. The past couple of months have been hard, but through my difficult time I have learned that I am responsible for my happiness and can be happy no matter what the circumstances are.

While I spent time as an in-patient at a mental rehab hospital I met a man who reminded me a lot of my grandfather. He was there for drug detox and rehab. He shared many stories with me about his life and he seemed to have a very troubling childhood which led to a tough life as an adult, but somehow despite all he’d been through and was going through he was still smiling, joking, and laughing. He looked out for me while I was there, often offering his advice and wisdom. He remined me so much of my grandfather and he said I reminded him very much of his best friend in the military. He said his best friend was like me, meaning that his best friend was also gay. He loved his best friend very much and never judged him for his sexuality.

After I left the hospital as an in-patient I started attending group therapy classes and the classes helped me to re-affirm that I am responsible for my happiness. Despite bills being behind and things not being exactly how I want them to be all the time I have learned to be geniunely happy like my grandfather. Happiness comes from within. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in your life, you can still choose to be happy. I’ve learned to do what I can each day, take things one step at a time, and through it all choose to be happy.

This year I’m smiling because I know that my grandfather is proud. He may not be proud of everything I’ve done because he, I, and the good Lord KNOW I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and I don’t always do right, but I’m living and learning. It’s funny how all of this has worked out when at the start I thought I had hit or was heading for rock bottom in my life. I often prayed to be like my grandfather and learn to smile no matter what was going on in life and I finally got what I prayed for.

I love my grandfather and miss him very much but I know that, like me, he’s still smiling.

My baby bro, Hollywood Hayward, all dressed in red in honor of World AIDS Day. I love this dude! He’s a major motivating force in my life and awesome young man. He makes me proud and inspires me to be better.

projectnefertiti:

World AIDS Day is upon us, and it is an opportunity for us to reflect on the work of year past, and remind us that there is still work to be done. Despite many advances and even a case of AIDS being cured through a bone marrow transplant, there was still an estimated 1.8 million AIDS deaths in…

Attached is my sister, Shaneen’s, artwork for World AIDS Day and photos of her and my other sister, Shakeera, along with their classmates. They all wore red today in honor of the occasion. They’re a great part of my support and motivation to keep living. I love them both and would like to thank them and their friends for their support today. You guys rock! I love you all!

Last night I struggled with what to write for World AIDS Day and came up with nothing. I could’ve looked up the most recent HIV/AIDS facts and statistics and posted them. I could’ve posted various links to other HIV/AIDS awareness sites. However, I felt both these options were not only cliche but also impersonal. So last night I went to bed without writing anything for the occasion.

For those of you who keep up with my posts, you’re already aware that I was recently locked in a mental health facility for stress and depression. Currently I am in group therapy class Monday through Friday from 8:30 to 12:00. We start each day by sharing how we feel at the time and what we wish to accomplish in class for the day. Today my goal was just to inform everyone that today is World AIDS Day. I did and I informed the class that I am HIV positive.

My confession started a group discussion on the importance of AIDS awareness. I shared my personal experience and stressed to the group the importance of getting tested, knowing your status, using protection, and talking about it. We discussed the stigma, stereotypes, and misconceptions associated with HIV/AIDS. I was not expecting an entire discussion from mentioning that today is World AIDS Day and I honestly didn’t intend to tell them that I am positive, but I am very happy with how things went.

The group was very supportive. They all commended me for my courage and strength. I shed a few tears when I talked about the fact that I don’t always feel that way. There are still times that I feel like I let many people down by making the choices I made to lead to being HIV positive. As the oldest of six kids I sometimes feel guilty for setting a bad example. I feel like I may have disappointed many people who thought better of me.

The class remained positive and very encouraging. They pointed out that by speaking up about my experience I was inspiring and encouraging more people than I may think and possibly saving lives. Each of them stated that they were inspired by my openness and honesty. A few of them shared things they’d never shared before because of me. A few of them shared how they’d personally been affected having loved ones who were infected with HIV or AIDS. In the end I felt very good about myself and my contribution to AIDS awareness and I ended having something to write about afterall.

What are you doing for World AIDS day and everyday to help raise HIV/AIDS awareness? If you don’t have any ideas then here’s a start. Get tested. Know your status. Talk about it. Protect yourself. There’s no medical cure for HIV/AIDS so right now it is up to us to bring it to an end. Educate yourself and those around you. Know better and do better and we can stop the spread of HIV/AIDS. It’s up to YOU.

jims-whim:

My panel on the (2015)Quilt in honor of World AIDS Day today.