I have not written an update in months and I am not writing one now. I am writing this to inform whatever readers I have that I won’t be writing anymore. Thank you to all of you who have read my previous posts. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for me, offered words of encouragement, or supported me in any other way.
Though the reasons may differ, on this, most people seem to agree;
Popular opinion is that I am crazy.
By definition, crazy means mentally deranged.
People think that I’m not normal, but that I’m demented and insane.
Yet when they explain their reasons for their opinion of me,
I can’t help but agree to disagree.
Some say I’m crazy simply because of my ethnicity.
Based on negative stereotypes about my race,
They think I’ve inherited this “crazy” trait.
To them crazy being angry, violent, and rude;
Unnecessarily having a bad attitude.
On the contrary, those who know me know that I’m really a good guy.
I’m always looking for the silver lining on those clouds in the sky.
Yet, these people still also agree that I am crazy.
They think that it’s wrong to smile in the midst of a storm and continue being happy.
Some think that I am crazy for being a hopeful romantic.
Because my heart has been broken more times than they could stand it.
They think I should be over thinking that happy ever after still exists.
Because they’ve all given up on it, they think I should, also, quit.
Others don’t mind my belief in love, but they think I’m a damn fool for praying to God above.
They think it’s totally insane to continue praying in vain
To a God who continues to allow me to endure so much pain.
They think I’m crazy and that I might as well be talking to myself.
If they knew I do that, too, they’d really think I need mental help.
A few think my sexuality is some kind of mental defect.
They wonder why the hell one man and another would want to have sex.
Clearly, there must be some chemical imbalance that needs to be offset.
Well I have news for you all.
I think all of you are crazy, too,
Always worrying about me and what the hell I do.
I may not agree with your opinions or choices, but I do my best to respect it
Because, to quote my favorite rapper, “What you eat don’t make me shit”.
So am I crazy for simply trying to live and let live?
Or are you just stupid for being too concerned with it?
Am I crazy simply for living life?
Or are you just dumb for not living yours, too busy trying to fix and dictate mine?
I’d rather be crazy than to be ignorant so if that’s what you think of me then I’m fine with it.
I’ve been called worse, some of those things even quite accurate.
And even at those times, I said “fuck it” and I owned that shit
Though I’m not fond of labels because they never fully fit.
Still it seems everyone has an opinion of everything I do.
Knowing this, I’m happy being crazy me as opposed to being stupid you.
The other night I had the awesome pleasure of meeting up with the clever bastard that is Darnell Lamont Walker. You may be asking who the hell that is. I was first introduced to Darnell as a writer, through one of his blogs, and began following him on Twitter. Or I may have followed him and then read his blog. I’m not completely sure, but that part is irrelevant. I found that Darnell is much more than a great writer. Beyond titles like writer, speaker, and scholarand whatever else he does that I cannot keep up with and will not spend time looking up or listing; Darnell is simply an awesome individual who possesses the skill to connect to and with many people in all his travels. So let’s discuss my night meeting up with Darnell and why I think he is so awesome.
I had been looking forward to meeting Darnell for quite some time, knowing that he had visitedwhere I unfortunately resideJacksonville, FL previously and travels frequently. Based on what I read from him, I found Darnell to be a very intelligent and interesting individual. He also seemed to be very down to earth and funny. When I found out he was coming to Duval, we agreed we’d meet up while he was in the city. He didn’t stay long and I don’t blame him at all, but all that matters is I finally met him and it was better than I thought it would be.
We agreed to meet for a late (or at least what’s considered late in Duval) dinner. I quickly threw together an outfit, ironed, and got dressed.Let’s not discuss how I struggled to button my jeans. I think they shrunk because I don’t really feel any bigger. I tried to convince Raven to tag along with me because I tend to be socially awkward and I knew Darnell was also bringing a friend. Raven insisted that I would be fine on my own and sent me on my way. You all know I don’t drive so I had a friend drop me off at The Casbah Café, a local hookah lounge that serves Mediterranean food.
When I arrived all tardy and running on CPT I was greeted by Darnell and his friend, Zakiyah, who were waiting outside of the restaurant for me. Darnell greeted me with a friendly hug and introduced me to Zakiyah before we headed up to the hostess stand to be seated which Zakiyah tried to bypass to despite the sign that said “Please wait to be seated”. I was nervous as hell and afraid of appearing to be dumb in front of Darnell and Zakiyah. It didn’t help that I never had Mediterranean before so I was not really familiar with anything on the menu. I saw chicken fingers but I really didn’t want to be that dude, the one that will find and order chicken no matter where you take them. Thankfully Zakiyah was able to make a recommendation and I had lamb for the first time, in the form of a gryo with lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and this really good tzatziki sauce. On the side I was given burnt ass sweet potato friesthat I was charged an extra dollar for and not informed of until I received my damn ticket after the meal, but I did eat them.
Anyway, while at the table we discussed everything and nothing. Laughs were continuous as we shared various stories and discussed various random topics. We talked about school and I don’t even have time to list the various degrees Zakiyah told me she has when I asked her what she went to school for. Both, she and Darnell, seemed to have done so much traveling and seemed to be so intelligent and cultured from their combination of formal education, travel, and life experience. Though this was all intimidating to me, not really have done much in life so far, they made me feel completely comfortable talking to them.
Darnell had an aura that provoked a certain sense of freedom. Without even speaking, just being in the presence of this man seemed to spark a renewed view on life. He randomly jigged in his seat throughout the night, claiming that every other Middle Eastern song that played in the background was his song. His positivity and free spirit seemed to be contagious and I found myself catching symptoms as the night progressed, smiling more and in deeper thought about who I want to be in life, how I am going to get there, and what I am or could be doing now to contribute to life. The deeper thought was brought on by Darnell’s mention of the 10,000 hour theorywhich you can look up on your own because this is not one of my college essays and I am writing about Darnell.
When the night ended, Darnell and Zakiyah dropped me off, and I was back home; I was left with an overwhelming positive energy that I can’t fully put into words and because of this I almost didn’t write this post. Still, I wanted to acknowledge this experience despite my lack of words to express how I truly felt afterwards. I felt renewed and happy. I felt inspired and motivated. I felt a strong desire to do more and be more fearless as I approach new challenges in life, taking them head on with the determination to overcome all of them and smile even when it’s hard to. The funny thing is much of conversation was very light. There really wasn’t any deep conversation. A lot of our time was spent laughing and simply sharing various experiences in life. I really hate that I cannot fully elaborate on what I truly took from that dinner, but I hope that you get the idea and I want to thank you Darnell and Zakiyah, also. Meeting, eating, and talking with you both was much needed for me. As we briefly discussed, things had been very rough for some time and I’m looking forward to things coming together now as they have started to fall into place. According to Zakiyah, it’s all in the stars. Whatever it is, thanks to you I am ready to and expecting to receive great things and I’m prepared to take more chances to get them. I’ve thought continuously of how I can contribute more time to my 10,000 hours and take more risks since we’ve talked. I look forward to meeting with you again and when we exchange stories next time, I’ll be able to tell you how I’ve contributed to my 10,000 hours, what risks I’ve taken, and how I laughed through any bullshit along the way. Thank you for igniting this fire in me to live life more freely and fearlessly. You’re a truly amazing, intelligent, talented, humorous, and attractive(especially for 37)guy.
You can find out more about the clever bastard that is Darnell Lamont Walker (and order his books) at http://thecleverbastard.com/. He’s also known as @skinnyjeanius on Twitter.
Sitting here, I am listening to P!nk’s “Nobody Knows” on repeat. I turned it up as loud as it could go in hopes of covering up the sound of me crying. The song seems to sum up how I feel right now for the most part. I try not to complain. I talk a lot, yet I keep a lot to myself and sometimes shit is just overwhelming. I don’t even know what caused me to be in the mood I’m in now, but it’s nothing new. I just don’t usually write about it, figuring no one wants to read about me being fucking sad and depressed. I don’t even like writing about it. I usually play whatever music I am feeling at the moment, pray, and keep it moving. Tonight I decided I wanted to let it out.
Part of me feels like, no matter how much I explain, no one will really fucking understand, but maybe just writing it will somehow make me feel better as opposed to keeping it to myself. Truth is sometimes I wonder why I go through so much to keep living when I’m bound to die, anyway. Why prolong it? Why not just say fuck all these doctors’ appointments and these damn overpriced prescriptions and all the fucking hassle and just let me live until my body gives the fuck in to this dreadful ass disease? I swear I’m not suicidal, but sometimes I would just rather not have to deal with this shit. I just want to live WITHOUT all the extra complications and concerns of my damn health all the time.
I hate that I have to ride the bus or rely on friends to take me to my appointments when it should be the nigga who gave it to me who has to be responsible for all this shit. I hate that when I want to fault him, I feel guilty and I end up blaming myself. After all, I am an adult and despite him not knowing or disclosing his status, I also never asked about it. I wasn’t promiscuous at that time in my life. Why should I have been concerned with contracting a disease from the man that I loved and was faithfully committed to? Silly me.
This is the cycle that I go through when I find myself upset and overwhelmed with my situation. I think of all the things I have to go through now to keep living and I wonder if it’s all worth it. Then I get upset and I think if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be in this position. Then I feel bad for attempting to blame someone else for my foolish ass mistakes. It was me who never talked to him or asked about testing. It was me who chose to lie with him without a condom, not really knowing his status. It was me who believed I was the only one just because he was my only one. Once I take accountability for my part in the situation that is what it is now, I talk to God and ask for strength to keep going; if not for me, to complete whatever His will is for me and for those of you who want me around for whatever reason. When I’m finished praying, I hold my head up and I smile even if I have to force it so that nobody knows.
Truth is as strong as I may be; I cry a lot more than anyone knows. I often have to fight against so many overwhelming thoughts that flood my mind throughout the day. Sometimes I just want to sleep and I can’t even do that. I struggle to stay asleep at night, waking up repeatedly. I generally end up tossing and turning and rolling around until the sunlight starts to come through my window.
I don’t want anyone pity from this. I don’t need anyone’s help. I don’t know that there is anything you can do besides praying for me. I just felt like letting all of this out tonight. I do feel better now. I need to wash my face since I’ve been crying since before I started writing this post, but I am okay and I will be okay. Some days are rougher than others, though. Today was one of those days and hit me out of nowhere. I was all good and then I wasn’t. You may not understand my situation, how or why I think the way I do, or why I feel the way I do. I really don’t expect anyone to, but I appreciate you reading this. I appreciate everyone’s prayers and support. I love you all. Remember to get tested, know your status, talk about it, and stay protected. Thanks, again, for reading. God loves you and, again, so do I.
I leave you with these song lyrics from the song I had on repeat prior to playing P!nk. “So I’ll keep fighting to live till there’s no reason to fight. And I’ll keep trying to see until the end is in sight. You know I’m trying to give so c’mon give me a try. You know I’m dying to live until I’m ready to die.” Edgar Winter – Dying To Live And, NO, I’m not ready to die just yet. I still have things to do.
Below is the final paper I wrote for the psychology course I just completed with a 96.72. I got a 99 for my final paper with one point docked for an extremely minor APA format citation issue, which I corrected before posting here. This is my first real college paper and I am very happy to share it since I got an A on it. The class was quite interesting and, also, challenging at times, but I enjoyed the course overall. Assuming I don’t bore you all with this one, sharing my papers can be something else I start doing when the topics are appropriate for the blog.
Learning to Teach
From day to day, I am constantly learning lessons that help me in my personal adult development and in preparing for my career in early childhood education. Like Lev Vygotsky’s sociocultural theory and the information-processing theory, I believe that “cognitive development occurs gradually, like hiking a continuous mountain road” (Witt & Mosley, 2010, p. 56) although many of my learned childhood and adolescent behaviors would be classified under behavioral theories. As I matured and became more independent, I have been able to become my own person, keeping in mind all of the things I have been taught and experienced along the way. In this paper I will explain how lessons from personal life experiences, as well as formal learning in a classroom setting, contribute to my continuous growth of knowledge. Wanting to teach, I view my continuous learning as a contribution to helping make me a better teacher by providing me with a better understanding of life and myself.
As a child, I remember often feeling depressed, angry, and confused. I never really felt I fit in with the other children my age. Being Black and Puerto Rican was one thing that made me stand out from other children. Not fitting the ideal image of a young boy was another issue. Both of these things caused me to feel like an outcast in many situations. For other Black children, I was not ethnic enough because my skin was too light to be considered Black. However, despite my pigmentation, we all knew that I was not White, but I also did not speak Spanish as someone of Puerto Rican descent would be expected to be able to do. In addition to that, I did not like athletic activities like other boys my age. I was much happier playing with the girls and despite constantly being informed that boys should only like girls in a romantic manner, I was only interested in boys that way. I knew that I could not change my skin color or race so I learned to hide many of the mannerisms that came naturally to me because I was often punished for them. In this sense “punishment means to provide a response that will weaken or discourage repetition of behavior” (Witt & Mosley, 2010, p. 62). I was made fun of by peers and adults for doing things that were considered to be feminine and adults also often yelled at me to correct my behavior. As B. F. Skinner’s theory of operant conditioning shows, this reduced those behaviors. “In operant conditioning, the person does something and then is either rewarded or punished for it” (Witt & Mosley, 2010, p. 62). I was forced to stop many behaviors all together or only engage in certain activities when others were not present.
Because of my lack of acceptance among my peers, I often spent a lot of time inside while other children played together outside. I developed an interest in art. I often drew pictures of the girl I thought I was supposed to be based on the things I was told. I also enjoyed listening to music and singing. Music provided an escape from the reality that I found to be quite cruel. As I got older and my language and writing skills developed more, I began writing to express the things I felt no song could express for me. I wrote poems, songs, and short stories about how isolated I felt and how unhappy I was. Sometimes I just wrote completely fictitious stories and females were always my main characters because they were who I always felt I related to more. I kept my skills and hobbies to myself for a while, but started to be more open with them after receiving praises for my artwork and writing in school. I was also forced to sing in the open when one of my aunts volunteered me for a church solo after hearing me sing. I still had not really felt like I fully related to anyone, but it was nice knowing that I did things people thought I was good at.
Based on the response I received for the things I only considered to be hobbies, I began wondering if I could do any of these things as a career in life. B. F. Skinner’s operant behaviors apply to this situation, but this time with reinforcement to continue or repeat behaviors based on the positive feedback I was receiving. At first I told people that I wanted to be an artist. As I got a little older, I found that I had more of a fascination with creating my own women’s clothing designs. Then I learned that people enjoyed listening to me sing and I thought that maybe I could be an entertainer. I imagined I would be able to sing and start my own clothing line, as well. My mother often told me that I should have a back-up plan because those industries were very difficult to succeed in. Feeling totally discouraged, I quickly began thinking my plans for adulthood were simply childish dreams. I decided that I wanted to teach after that. Teachers have always been the ones to motivate and encourage my skills when others showed no interest. I received great praise from teachers all the time and teachers were also the ones to stop bullying and break-up fights when I was forced to physically defend myself. Teachers were like heroes to me and I decided that when I grew up, I wanted to be someone’s hero too. I was in the fifth grade when I made that decision and I also told my mother that I would be a single father because other children talked about being married and having their own children in addition to their dream careers. I knew I didn’t have any desire to be with a female in that sense so I told my mom I would be a teacher and single father when I grow up. Because all the other children discussed families as part of their plans for the future, I felt the need to somehow include it in my plans as well. Again, I found myself picking up behaviors and trying to adjust based on my environment.
I still have the same goals of teaching and raising my own child after all that I have learned in life so far. Before teaching, I have to obtain my degree so another goal that has been added recently is making the Dean’s list and graduating with honors. With each assignment, I am challenged to learn new knowledge and apply it with knowledge I have already gained from prior lessons or life experience. In addition to teaching, I have also decided to run my own child care center. Right now, I am not completely sure when I will have my own child, but being a father is still on the list. I would like to have started all of these things earlier in my life, but I am happy now just working towards them and knowing each thing will come to pass in the appropriate time.
Much like my personal thoughts of myself, I do not believe my development and learning can be categorized into one theory. I believe that each theory may be applied to different experiences and times in my life. Overall, I do believe that learning and development are progressive processes that continue throughout life. We may all progress at different levels, but I believe that we are always learning and growing in some way and each new lesson along with all the past lessons we have stored help us to understand the more complex things in life. Ultimately, the more we understand about ourselves and our environments, the better equipped we are for the things we aspire to do in life. For teachers there is “a good deal of evidence that learning is enhanced when teachers pay attention to the knowledge and beliefs that learners bring to a learning task, use the knowledge as a starting point for new instruction, and monitor students’ changing conceptions as instruction proceeds” (Bransford, Brown, & Cocking, 2000, p. 11). Based on this, I will continue learning to teach long after I receive my degree and begin my career.
References
Bransford, J.D., Brown, A.L., & Cocking, R.R. (2010, August). How People Learn : Brain, Mind,
Experience and School (Expanded Edition). Washington, DC: National Academies Press
Witt,G.A., & Mossler, R.A. (2010). Adult Development and Life Assessment.
Retrieved from https://content.ashford.edu/books/AUPSY202.10.2
Since the last blog, I have turned 25 for the second time. It wasn’t a big celebration, but I rarely make a big deal out of my birthday. I just count it as another blessing that I am able to see another year. My birthday fell on Labor Day, which was a pretty chill day for me. I did meet with my girls the night before and we had margaritas, caught up with one another, and shared a lot of laughs. I love my ladies. You all know who you are. Raven (my sister and BFF and roommate and one of my favorite ladies) did make me a dark chocolate strawberry cheesecake bar on my birthday and it was very good. She knows my heartand my stomachand she really loves me. God and I favor her.
In school, I completed my first college course with a 98. I was hoping for at least a 99, but I’m very proud of my grade. I just finished my first psychology course last week and I started my first English course this week. I am thinking of sharing the final paper that I had to write for psychology. We’ll see how I score on the paper before I decide to share it.
Now let’s talk about that doctor’s visit I had today. I was originally scheduled to see the doctor on the 17th, but I was unable to get to my appointment on time and was forced to reschedule for today at 10:00 AM. My dear friend, and high school boo, was kind enough to take me to my appointment since he had the day off. We arrived at the office about ten minutes before my scheduled time. I was checked in pretty quickly and then we were directed to the next waiting area.
In the second waiting area, my dear friend and I passed time talking while waiting for the nurse to take my vitals. It was about 20 minutes before she finally called me. My blood pressure was sky high. I don’t know the exact number because she never gave it to me and I didn’t ask. She simply said, “Your blood pressure is sky high.” I’ve already discussed that being a health issue of mine. It’s hereditary, unfortunately. I thought I was going to see the doctor when the nurse finished with my vitals, but I was escorted right back to the second waiting area to wait for another 20 minutes.
It was 10:46 when I was finally called back to the doctor’s exam room for my 10:00 appointment. To quote Chief Keef, “That’s that shit I don’t like.” Even then, I didn’t see the doctor immediately. Instead, I continued my conversation with my friend through text messages. It was 11:17 when the doctor finally came to the room. She would have been greeted with a mean side-eye had it not been for my dear friend keeping things light with all his jokes. He was a great sport, despite the time consuming visit.
Once the doctor came in, we went over all the standard questions. We covered how I’ve been without my medications for about a year. We discussed my sexual behavior and activity over the last six months. For the first time ever, I actually had to think about it when I was asked, “How many partners have you had in the last six months.” Previously, my answer has always been an immediate 1 or 2. Based on my recent behavior, discussed in previous posts, that would not be true this time. By the way, that celibacy thing is done. I gave in. That’s the end on that subject for now.
As for the results from my last labs, I have a CD4 count of 205 and a viral load of 9,015. Those aren’t the numbers I want, but I am content with them. I have been without my medications for about a year. In addition to this and partially because of this, my stress level has been rather high. Knowing all of the things that I have been through over the last year, my numbers could be a lot worse so I am quite thankful for my current health. I look forward to getting my numbers back up now that I am getting back on my medications.
It was a long morning and we didn’t leave the doctor’s office until after 12:30. I feel awful for taking up so much of my friend’s time, but he was cool about it and he knows I greatly appreciate it. He’s always been a great friend and person, overall. We grabbed lunch afterwards and despite not really having done much, I feel drained. Still, I didn’t want to delay this update any longer.
I’ll continue to keep you updated on my progress in school and with my health. Not too much else of interest is going on right now. Thanks for reading and keeping up with me. I appreciate all of your support. In the meantime, get tested, know your status, talk about it, and stay protected. God loves you and so do I.
It’s after midnight. It is no longer my birthday and I am grateful to have made it to see another new day. It is a blessing EVERYDAY that we are given life along with brand new grace and mercies, another chance to get right, do right, and help others because everyday there are people dying. We should all be grateful everyday, for that alone, despite whatever circumstances we may be in.
Living with HIV makes each day that much more special for me, especially knowing I don’t always keep up with my care as I should. God continues to look out for me, though, even when I don’t have my own best interest in mind. I’m amazed at how God continues to bless me from day to day. I am very grateful to not only have just saw another September third, but to have been able to see and live through all the days preceding that which make up another year of life I was blessed with.
I had a lot of rough times, but God was there all the time and got me through it all. There are 365 days in a year and we should be grateful for every one that we are able to see, not just the “good” days or the weekends or the holidays or birthdays. Everyday you are alive is a blessing in itself, regardless of what that day brings, so be grateful everyday. I am.
I appreciate you reading the blog and taking the time out to message me about it! I’d love to read your friend’s blog when/if she has it started. Thank you for your support!
When I last updated I stated that I was focusing on myself. I decided to take a vow of celibacy since I am not in a relationship right now and not looking to date. After being off of my prescribed medications for about the past year, I made another appointment with the health department to get assistance getting back on track. In addition to these things, I stated that I was taking my first college course, online, with Ashford University. Things may or may not have gone completely as planned since then.
I broke my vow of celibacy with the ex. It was not planned and I tried to resist, but I saw it coming and I ended up giving in to temptation. He came over to my place to pick me up and take me to see my baby brother before he departed for college. My brother, being the popular kid he is, did not answer his phone when I called him to make sure he was home before arriving. The ex said he didn’t mind hanging around to give my brother time to get home, knowing he was probably busy visiting with friends. Sounds like such a kind gesture, right?
We started off just watching TV and talking in my room. This was the first time we’d been alone since before the infamous “I need space” speech that led to our last break-up. Then he put his arm around me and I admit I got butterflies. After that, he decided he was going to lie down in the bed and watch TV. When I noticed him propping the pillow to lay back on, I sarcastically said, “Make yourself comfortable,” as I rolled my eyes and laughed. He said, “I will,” and he proceeded to take off all of his clothes.
Now I had already told him that he and I could not have sex anymore and I told him that I was celibate, but he clearly knew that he could have me if he wanted to. I tried to resist by looking away. I even walked to my bathroom and paced the floor, debating the pros and cons of the situation before me. Bottom line is there was a fine ass, naked man in my bed. Did you hear what I said? There was a naked man in my bed! How could I say no? Not only do I think this man is absolutely sexy, we have a history of having pretty amazing sex together so I was guaranteed to be satisfied. I gave in and told myself that 25 for the second time will be my year of celibacy, hoping to get it in again before my birthday since I had already given in.
Since that day, we have spent more time together, talked more, and we agree that we will never ever get back together. We both love each other and will always be there for one another. We will always be a part of each other’s lives, but not romantically. And I know I said that we weren’t going to have sex anymore either, but I take that back. As long as I’m single, he’s single, and I’m not on a celibacy streak then I will not be turning down good sex. I am no fool. Nope. I don’t see why I should deny myself that. We laughed about our situation and our many break-ups and he even put me onto the new Taylor Swift song which he says describes us perfectly. “We Will Never Ever Get Back Together” is my current ringtone just as a reminder in case I ever bump my head during great sex with him and forget. All jokes aside, that’s my first love and I believe he’s the only man I ever truly loved so we’ll always be friends, if nothing more.
Though I broke my celibacy vow, and rather quickly, I did stick to keeping my scheduled appointment with the health department. It was on August 17th, at 1:30. I showed up at 1:39 with three people ahead of me, waiting to be signed in. It would’ve been two had I not decided to be nice and hold the door for the old man who showed up at the same time as me. That’s what I get for being nice. I kid. Anyway, there was one lady behind the desk to sign everyone in and she happens to be someone I previously had an issue with when going to the health department. She works so slowly. It was 15 minutes later when she finally called me up to sign in and she had the audacity to look at my information in the computer then turn to me and say, “You’re appointment was at 1:30.” The God in me kept me from going off on her and/or reaching across that desk to snatch her and I settled for a blank stare. She got the point and called Miss Nina, who I was scheduled to see. Policy is they don’t have to see you if you’re 15 minutes late or more, but I was nine minutes late and it took her another 15 to get to me. That is not my fault and I was not about to be penalized for it.
I went up to the second floor and met with Miss Nina. We walked to her office and immediately started the series of routine questions about my condition and previous care. In between all of the required questions, we discussed politics, personal life experiences, and shared a few laughs. She was really cool and seemed to have a genuine concern for her job and me. After all the questions and paperwork were completed, I received my ADAP card and made appointments for updated lab work and a follow-up to discuss my lab results and get me back on medications.
My follow-up appointment for lab work was at 2:30 on August 23rd. I was prepared to ride Duval’s awful public transportation system, but thankfully, my dear friend was available to take me to my appointment. Praise God. We arrived around 2:15 and would have been earlier, had I not misdirected him at the start of the trip. Signing it wasn’t such an issue this time. They seemed to be moving at a decent pace and there were two people behind the desk, instead of one. Once I signed in, I sat with my friend and we joked about the behavior of the others waiting to be seen. I compared the scene to the zoo. There really weren’t many people, but the few people there were had a lot going on. One lady decided to share the music of 2 Chainz via her mobile device. We must do better. Anyway, I was called in shortly after 2:30 and it was a rather quick trip, without any hassles.
Up next is my birthday, which is on September third. I’ll be turning 25 (for the second time). After that I am scheduled to see the doctor and discuss the results of my last labs on September 17th. In between all that, I’ll be taking my second college course. I’ll let you know how the first one went in my next update, after my upcoming doctor’s appointment. In the meantime, get tested, know your status, talk about it, and stay protected. Thanks for reading. God loves you and so do I.
In part one (tmblr.co/ZWXj-xQahDk_) you were given a brief on what I’ve been up to. I’ve been off my prescribed medications due to lack of health insurance and tired of being run around trying to get state assistance. I was broken up with over the phone with the classic, “It’s not you, it’s me” speech. And to “celebrate” my new “freedom,” I decided to try hooking up with someone from a mobile dating application. My first attempt at hooking up was a complete and utter epic fail. Despite this, when we left off I decided to give it another try with another guy. This one from Jack’d. We met up at a hotel.
I had to let Alonzo in since it was about 11:00 when he showed up. I totally didn’t consider that when I decided I was gonna wear basketball shorts without underwear. As I walked by the front desk with him, I just knew the lady at the front desk knew what was up and I was slightly embarrassed. Once we got into my room, Alonzo wasted no time getting undressed. I was extremely nervous again and took my time removing my tank top and basketball shorts. Suddenly, I wished I had worn underwear just to stall a little longer.
Despite my hesitation to get things started, things went well with this hook-up. Afterwards, I wanted him to leave immediately. I kept telling myself that I couldn’t allow him to get in my head so I didn’t want to talk, but we did and he did. He was saying all the right things as I laid there in his arms. I wanted to resist, but I was hanging onto his every word. We laid there and just talked for about an hour before he decided he should probably be going and I agreed. We kept in touch for a bit afterwards, but nothing developed from that and I’m not mad. It was only meant to be a one night stand.
At this point I had deleted Grindr and was using Jack’d, but grew bored with my selection there as well so I created an account on Adam4Adam. Yes, I was on a roll. Here is where I met my next hook-up. He said he just wanted to chill, but I’m not dumb so I prepared myself and went off to visit him at his apartment. He matched his profile photo. We talked for about an hour, just casual conversation. Conversation was much longer and more pleasant than the seconds of pleasure he provided. It lasted all of 7 minutes and he was quite pleased with himself. I was not pleased at all so before I pulled out from the parking lot of his apartment complex, I was back on Adam4Adam where I ignored all his messages to hook-up again.
I found a “DL” guy who was down for giving oral and I figured this would be the perfect follow-up to that sorry attempt at sex that I just experienced. This way I would not have technically had sex with two guys in one day. Not that I really count Mr. Seconds of Pleasure as having sex. Anyway, I got home and took a whore bath. In about the time it had taken the last one to ejaculate, this one had found his way to my front door. He did what he did. I escorted him to the door, said thank you, and we never talked again. I took a real shower after that.
Continuing to “celebrate” my new found “freedom”, I created a Tagged account. Here is where I met Marcus. Marcus and I exchanged numbers and we spent the whole night up on Skype, talking with one another. After our four hour conversation on Skype, we met up the next day at his apartment. Marcus was different from the other guys I had been talking to online. He said that after speaking with me for so long, he felt that I should be more than a hook-up. Honestly, I was not flattered. I was there as a hook-up and did not care for his lies, but he thought we should put sex on hold which means I came prepared for nothing. Spending the day with Marcus wasn’t a complete fail, though. He was very sweet and he ended up making dinner for me. I like to eat.
Marcus and I got back together a few days later and I actually ended up at his apartment overnight for a few days, but we never had sex. We talked a lot. He expressed feelings of wanting to see one another exclusively and I fed into it for a moment. We shared meals that he prepared, regularly. We watched t.v. and listened to music. He was pretty cool, but we never took things further than cuddling and making out. After I left his house, I decided I was bored with the lines he was spitting and I detached myself immediately. I was not out for love and I could not allow myself to get caught up in someone, only to find myself hurt and looking sad again.
My last little rendezvous was with Junior from Adam4Adam. I should have know I was setting myself up for failure when I decided I was going to hook-up with a grown man named Junior. The first time Junior and I planned to hook-up, I blew him off to continue my conversation with someone from Jack’d. The discussion I was having on Jack’d wasn’t sexual at all, but I was more interested in my conversation than Junior for that evening. We met up two days later. Before Junior arrived I explained to him that he was to “Come. Cum. And go.” I was not interested in conversation or cuddling with this young man. I had become a pro with this hook-up thing. You get yours, I get mine if I’m lucky, and maybe we keep in touch or maybe not so much.
Junior was a huge disappointment. I kept thinking of what other, more productive things I could have been doing with my time. He kept talking and saying things I did not want to hear or find sexy. We were totally done when he yelled out, “Wow! You’re a power bottom!” “Did he really just call me that out loud,” I thought as I got up from my bed. I reached for my phone and asked Junior what he was going to do with the rest of his day, implying that he was done here. As he gathered his clothes and was getting dressed, I was deleting all the accounts I had recently created. I deleted my Adam4Adam account, Jack’d, and Tagged by the time he was dressed. By the time he had pulled out of my driveway, my number had been changed.
I sat reflected on my recent behavior and I was not pleased. I never thought I had it in me to carry on that way. Yes, I used protection, but I still was rather reckless. Even still, I was more upset about all the bad sex I had with the exception of Alonzo. I could sit and dwell on my recent activity until I depressed myself or I could make a change. I chose to make a change.
I am focusing and working on me right now. I made an appointment with the state clinic to get back on track with my medications. I am currently enrolled as a student with Ashford University. I have decided to start practicing celibacy for at least the next year. I have decided that I am not looking to seriously date anyone until I am finished with my degree. Now this does not mean I turn down date invitations, but I’m not looking for love and I don’t put out on the first night anymore.
In sharing all of this, I know I risk all the things that I stated I don’t want in my opening paragraph. I know some of you may have had me painted out to be some great role-model and I wish I was a better one, but I’m young and I’m human. Sometimes I make bad decisions, I do dumb things, I make mistakes and there’s no justifying that. Wrong is wrong, but I can admit to, learn from, and grow from my poor decisions. And I’d risk losing readers because I’m not what you may have thought than to portray some image I totally am not. I’m a work in progress and more often then not, I’m a mess. However, as I said before, God’s got me and ultimately I know I’ll be all right.
So I hope that I haven’t disappointed you too much. If so, keep that to yourself or take it to the Lord in prayer. Don’t get yourself blocked, being in my mentions with foolishness. Don’t do that. But I always appreciate a prayer. As usual I will advise you to get tested, know your status, talk about it, and stay protected ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for reading.
